I have these Grand Realizations now and again. Self awareness can be emotionally devastating, so I try not to have them too often.
Earlier this week, I saw the ad for the upcoming Lifetime flick titled “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.” Even though I roll my eyes at ALL internet memes, the ads appealed to me. I like cats and I’m grumpy, and I like Grumpy Cat, so how bad could it be? I figured it would have a couple of LOL’s, but it’s Lifetime after all, and Lifetime doesn’t specialize in LOL’s. Yes, I watch a lot of Lifetime movies. Yes, they’re awful, and I despise myself for DVR-ing every insipid new release. I can’t seem to look away.
I asked Mr. Sarah if he wanted to watch it with me and he groaned a non-committal groan… well, it wasn’t a no, so I knew he was slightly interested. Neither of us expected much, but goodness gracious, people. From the first minute to the very last, Grumpy cat had us thoroughly charmed with her melancholy delivery of grating sarcasm and very direct insults. At one point I was laughing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. What a refreshing surprise! I must say that this is the BEST Christmas movie I’ve ever watched!
So, what’s this Grand Realization, you might be wondering? Well, get ready folks. Here it is. Are you ready?
I am Grumpy Cat. Oh, dear lord, yes.
Grumpy unabashedly made fun of the Lifetime network several times throughout the movie. She made snide comments about corporate greed, how annoying the internet is, how much Christmas sucks, she poked fun at the other characters, even at the movie itself… and nearly each jab is punctuated by a sullen “meow” at the end. She, like me, has a real bad case of the crap-where-you-eats. Except for the “meow” at the end, everything Grumpy Cat said bore a frightening resemblance to the running dialogue inside my head – not to mention the things I think to myself during every Lifetime movie I watch. And if we’re being honest, with three cats at my house, there’s going to be a “meow” in there somewhere. So… yeah. It kind of looks like I might be Grumpy Cat.
One day, a strikingly handsome young stranger asked me if I was Irish. My translucent skin and curly red hair said YES, I’m so undeniably Irish that I’m practically a caricature of the stereotype, just slam a green sweater down on me and we’ll be primed for a jig… and YES, I really am very, very Irish. Know what I said? “No.” I was in one of my moods. Oh, who am I kidding. I have one mood. And it’s Grumpy. (really, I’m kidding. mostly.)
It’s not just that. I have this condition that is often referred to as “RBF” or “Resting Bitch Face.” Here’s what happens. The corners of my mouth turn slightly downward, so if I’m not smiling, people assume that I’m unhappy. People who know me know I’m probably just fine. I’m actually pretty sweet, most of the time. Until I must deal with humanity at large. Even a 5 minute dash to fetch a roll of powdered Donettes from 7-11 is likely to bring home an elaborate chronicle of my brush with The Abominations that dwelled within That Hotbed Of Despair. Yes, during just about every one of my visits to 7-11, I’m instructed to “smile” by some random letch in line behind me. To which I reply, “Give me something to smile ABOUT” with an actual frown, and by most accounts, that’s way scarier than my RBF. I take my Donettes, and then I take my leave, my neck about to burst from the very special type of adrenaline surge that comes from being nearly fatally annoyed.
Anyway. I’ve heard my own voice before, which I hate by the way, and my low voice and semi-monotonous speech pattern sounds somewhat similar to that of Grumpy Cat’s in the movie. Let me be clear, though – I DO realize that the voice of Grumpy Cat is an actress named Aubrey Plaza. I also know that Grumpy Cat’s real name is Tardar Sauce. (Yeah, wow, if someone named me that, I’d be Grumpy too.) I also know that Grumpy Cat’s face looks like it does thanks to feline dwarfism. Many, MANY, many thanks, I’m sure, because Grumpy Cat’s owner is quite certainly grumping all the way to the bank.
But the whole point of all of this yammering is this: there may be a teensy glimmer of hope in my dank and bitter existence. People LOVE Grumpy Cat! Maybe I’ve finally found a place in time where people will love MEEEE too! My pointing out the obvious all the time in my cutting, judgmental grumble could be embraced and admired, at long last! My seemingly endless tirades about what a pompous pretty-boy Trent Reznor is, or my multiple diatribes on how overrated mountains are may FINALLY be appreciated by everyone in the world! Maybe everyone can now accept how dangerous and unromantic candles are! Maybe the universe will come around to my way of seeing things and we’ll have less sunshine and more flat land! Wouldn’t that be delightfully glum?
Well… Truth is, if I didn’t have sunny sunshine and pretty mountains and lovely people to hate on, I’d wither away and die. So I’m not about to quit complaining anytime soon. But hey! I’ve been practicing my people skills and doing some exercises in patience and nicety, and while they’re not ALL as bad as I thought, I still haven’t been convinced that people are something I need to get too friendly with.
Really, though, what a beautiful, sweet little cat Grumpy is. And talented, too! She was able to complete a Lifetime movie. Or maybe she just has a freakishly high tolerance for absurdity. I sure wish I did.
Catch you dweebs later! And you really need to watch GRUMPY CAT’S WORST CHRISTMAS EVER! You’re gonna want a t-shirt afterwards, I promise.